On the Eve of Emilee’s Second Death Anniversary Sam & Ick Talk (Talk Seven) – Sometimes – Grief, Hunger, Ache, Soothing
Sam and Ick (Talk Seven)
Sam: I ache sometimes Ick. I recognize it a little better than I used to but … the ache of grief…
of loss recent or not … it is a familiar ache and I know you know what I am talking about.
Ick: Yes, Loss is an ache.
So is hunger, but hunger is sated with food.
Sam: How do I sate the ache of grief?
Yes, I tried food for her, I fed her lots of different kinds.
Sweet food, salty food, snack food, healthy food,
soft food, crunchy food, ice cream food,
Especially ice cream food.
It doesn’t work.
It tastes good though, soothing,
And my Buddha belly appreciates,
But it is temporary and sometimes
She and the ache return, not a belly ache, as I am stuffing myself,
Stuffing my face, my emotions. Imagine that.
The empty ache of loneliness, of grief. She thinks that’s funny.
So, what does work?
Ick: Sitting with her, looking at her from a little distance,
Not clinging to her for too long.
Sam: Yes, she hangs there, and when she sees I am not grasping,
She floats, wearing her long trench coat,
She meanders, wanders, and drifts
She separates and detaches, and she goes for a ride,
In a Sting Ray, Viper, Mustang,
She will come back to the garage, she pretends since we don’t have a garage,
Nor those cars she likes,
but that’s okay that she comes back.
I recognize her and will embrace her again,
And she will leave again. And again.
Ick: Wow, Sam, you have learned so much. You are very observant, and so much more aware.
Sam: Thank you Ick. You have taught me so well. I have been watching Grief. She likes to go
for longer rides now, in those cars who wouldn’t.
She gets restless.
In the beginning she wouldn’t go anywhere and was always close.
It is funny, the ache, the pain,
The deep well of loneliness in the pit of my stomach,
That feels like a bucket with a hole in the bottom,
The ache that doesn’t seem to fill up when I eat.
Sometimes it ceases to ache, to hunger, to gnaw at my heart,
Sometimes she quietly walks away,
takes long walks, takes its rides, goes on trips.
And I am left with a peaceful solitude that for now,
Quells my hunger, with an embrace that satiates.
Ick: Sam, you are doing so well. May I give you a hug? You are hugging yourself inside Sam.
That is beyond good. It deserves one of our favorite expressions. And Emilee’s. Ta Da.