Thoughts About My Anniversary Without Emilee
I know this is long… takes more than 10 seconds to read … it Rambles it roams … Welcome to my thoughts … It is my stream of consciousness as I look to the sky and take in the wondrous image of the splashing wake and the gentle rise and fall of the prominent prow, and the angels enjoying a morning, painting an assortment of whimsical clouds in the sky (as I am on the ferry returning from an overnight on Long Island with my grandchildren).
This is a rough one
I can Runaway
there are many ways to run away
to avoid to ignore to bury to dull or obscure the ache, the pain of loss and loneliness
It really doesn’t require that much imagination, distractions abound aplenty, even keeping too busy.
But I am choosing to keep my eyes open as much as I can,
to feel to acknowledge to embrace to be, to remain conscious, aware and open and inquisitive, questioning without the itch for answers
and it is not easy
it is rough it is a roller coaster ride
but it IS.
Funny, roller coaster, the only ride I ever liked as a child.
It is like seeing the sunrise, beautiful sunrise , on the moving boat.
If i gaze too long at the wake of the boat , where we just came from a moment ago, I miss the gorgeous sunrise right now in the sky which is fleeting , changing Moment by moment
And if i gaze too long where the boat is headed in front of us, again I miss the wondrous sky right this moment. But if I trust that the captain is capable of navigating this boat and I don’t need to look at where we just came from , nor is my input required right this moment for where I am headed, then truly, can I enjoy this blessed sunrise this morning
And if I avoid my feelings, if I blur them out, I will only have to go through it another time another occasion another moment and I’m not saying I won’t have to go through this again and again but it won’t be the same as this time. Of course, no two times are the same but I think if I feel everything this time it won’t be quite as intense as at another time.
The only way past it is through it, or maybe just being in it and living it, but you can’t stay still all the time. Like the Native American gauntlet, you need to move your feet forward or you will get pummeled.
My anniversary would have been tomorrow. I’m doing my best as in a dance to stay light on my feet at least light enough so that I can switch my weight back and forth from one leg to another without losing my balance.
That is what it feels like, or like being on the deck of a boat that is in slightly choppy, mildly turbulent Waters. I have to remain light enough and prepared enough, flexible enough, to Shift my weight, to accommodate to the changing, moving surface as it can shift in any of 360 degrees. Somehow, I have to keep my Center and be able to adjust as the surface shifts beneath my feet. Stay flexible, adjust my Center, relaxed enough so I can react and respond and keep my balance… and do that while my emotions are running high and low and scattering to and fro and the tears they freely come and go. (Sometimes I just have to break into rhyme.)
It is not easy. I keep picking myself up again and again. I keep getting back up when I lose my balance. I sometimes need to grab onto a handrail so I don’t fall, particularly fall overboard. It is not easy. And when I do fall overboard I pray there is something to grab onto or somebody throws me a life line or I am able to find one floating near by and grab it and, I’m trusting that to continue…
It is not easy! But don’t think I don’t also feel and know Joy… interestingly enough, as I’m working through all the other emotions, It too arises on the waves, and it comes and it goes as do all its other Compadres
It is not easy!
Nothing ever truly worthwhile is.
This is Neal Harvey… Good day!