Day 31, A Familiar Melancholy

This was prompted by the person who bought our old house on Long Island. She and Emilee stayed in touch on Facebook. She communicates with me once in a while. She posted a picture of a vine in her backyard that never has any of its small pink pretty petalled (sp?) flowers after mid-May. Well, the vine has one single solitary flower that opened. And her saying that this has never happened in all the time she has been living there (that would be thirteen years), made it quite an unusual occurrence, another sign that Emilee is close by. This opened up a floodgate and prompted these words. Plus, today is seven months since she died, and I am sure that adds another little something to the intensity of the emotions.

Day 31, Last Day of Your Birthday Month

I always get sad on the last day..even when you were alive…I am sad to see this month slide by like puff the magic dragon…sooooo saddddddd… like I get sad as fall arrives because it portends of winter…even tho I like the fall colors…(the start of picking up leaves….such a silly task…although it does make me get exercise… always a yin to the yang)…

And so I get sad to see this month fade, especially this year, because it has kept your presence soooo much in the forefront…and my noting each day has kept me honest so to speak in just keeping you in the loop day to day because …

Well, I just have to find a way to do that even as August slips by….. and somehow….August has made you alive again and seeing it slip away is making me grieve allllllllllll over again and it just hurts….. it just hurts….. and I know you know and i know you tell me ….. to move on and it is okay….. and it is okay to grieve and I know all of that… and stilll……

I can’t seem to and don’t even want to …….STOP,,,the tears….they just have to do what they have to do…. I know… but that freefall …. that waiting for mother earth to catch me…that trusting and knowing that she will… I know that helps me heal …. and I know I need to do this…. but….. god…. GOD… the onslaught of tears… I have absolutely ….absolutely…. NO CONTROL over it… they just march on out thru my eyes along…..with, with the staccato breathing and the intermittent sobs and snorts…lol…. until they quiet themselves…

Until that silk spider web encloses me and catches me and nestles me to her chest, holds me in her arms and comforts me… and I comfort…hell…I don’t know who comforts me…but somehow the tears quiet….the breathing eases up …… I sigh…and recover and I blow my nose and wipe (ha ha I said wife my eyes…lol) and then I regain control… OY VEY…. Whewwwww…. ok… getting better now…thanks…any of you who came with me on that …

Like going thru a section of rapids… and not sure your kayak or canoe is going to stay upright or tip over and if it does tip over do i know how to right it, and can I do so and keep my cool and not smash my head on a rock when I am tipped over and then not regain upright…and there’s both this sigh of relief and self affirmation that you made it thru, and also a sigh that you are now safe again (only till the next time) but not sooooooo cocky to think you have the power…..

Noooooooo….. nature has the power….if you are fortunate enough to be given the grace of mother earth to be in harmony with her during that turbulent time, then you are richer now than you were before that… you have not gained power, but experience and an infinitesimal modicum of wisdom…..it adds to your bank of knowledge in an experiential sort of way…. in a quiet kind of buddhist understanding of nature…. that is the best way I can explain it….

And after allllllllllllllllllllllllll this….. saying goodbye to August….still….. the sadness……I have to say thank you… thank you Emilee…for being soooooo present with me this month….thank you for filling my heart with song, with poetry, with prose to spill onto the page, with tears and snot pouring out of my sinuses….yes…i know that is sssssooooooo gross and disgusting….. LOLOLOL… but true…(thanks for the box of tissues nearby)

Thank you for surrounding me and helping me heal… bleed and heal….bleed and heal….bleed and heal…. thank you for making me a better person in sooooo many ways…but most of all… with opening my love for my family, opening my heart in many ways…. I am more human…more of the man I want to be…. more of who I truly am… and I am able to give more to my family, and to others….

I am just barely beginning to find my footsteps in the dark, to see some light and this is not done yet…but I know I have the mother earth to hold me now and I can hold myself…to catch me when I need to be caught…..

And yessssssssssss okay I will grudgingly admit ……there is joy mixed with the sadness….. I will NOT just be negative…I will allow the harmony to attentuate to muffle to mitigate to soften the sadness…I will…I do…I am…I am learning…. I will allow the joy… I do…I am… I am learning… it is NOT easy… and I understand now…not just the words…but in my body… there is no backdoor….no AROUND…only THROUGH…and no one’s hand to hold but my own… and that I get a little stronger as the tears cleanse my wounds yet again….and the healing continues

I will always have a love in my heart for you…my EM…no matter what, you are always in my heart….happy last day of your birthday month……sheeeeeeeesh…LOL…I am such a mess….LOL… I am okay… I just needed to say that….sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….deep breath …….and…..let us say………….AMEN

Neal Klein
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.