Late Night Early Morning Musings
Stayed up listening to music all nite. Now I have to go to sleep…. Ha…it is 530am…birds are starting to chirp. Why am I up so late? Music, singing, songs making me cry….. is my rhythm off? Am I sabotaging something? I don’t know but I need to figure it out. Can’t stay up all night…..altho…Joni Mitchel does….she gets up at 4pm goes to sleep at 10am….
What do the clothes mean…… that I am giving her stuff away…. Not honoring her clothes…. I don’t know… good things…. It is like I want someone that knows her to take them and use them…..not a stranger…but then….she would probably be okay with that…. Someone that is in need can use what she has to give them…. That doesn’t feel so tight and knotted inside…… I can feel that easing up a little…
A line in the song…cant remember the name…about a little boy…. Says the greatest joy you will ever learn….is just to love and be loved in return…… that touched my spot inside….my stomach, my chest….. that ache of alone….aloneness…. not feeling connected intimately with another…. Or not feeling love in a long time… maybe I haven’t given love in a long time… don’t know… certainly haven’t had physical intimacy the way I would like it….in a long time…. Closeness…. Hugs, cuddles, curling up together….. rubbing each other’s backs, back scratching, stroking an arm, hair……
To love and be loved in return…. That is what Em wanted…. Don’t think she got what she wanted… don’t think I gave her that…. She didn’t get her kiss goodnight each night…. I can say it was because of her but better to figure out my part in it… so many times it felt like …..come closer, no…not that close….come closer, no don’t….. complicated… it seemed easier in some ways earlier in our relationship…. I could and would be more affectionate….. at least I think I was…. She would probably say I was more affectionate when I wanted sex… but then there was this whole thing in her head about it…I can’t even get the thoughts out of my head to describe it…. She often did not welcome my affection even though she said she wanted it….. one hand was telling me to come forward and the other was keeping me away.
I stopped approaching after a while. Maybe I was doing the same dance…. But I don’t think so. So hard to objectively understand what was going on when I am seeing it from my own perspective, from my own internal reality which I am sure has some distortions, I just don’t think they are quite as distorted as Em’s were. I don’t think ….. easy for me to blame it on her issues…. That her therapy got her past her past traumas….. I think they were still clouding her judgement of present interaction through the lens of her past…. Ok…. I am not saying I don’t have some issues and stuckness…. My word for the moment.
Just saying once again, that the magnitude of hers was more than mine…. I can’t seem to get away from doing that. My feelings….. what are they….. from childhood….loss, abandonment, hurt, loneliness, and in our relationship, anger for not being close, feeling alone, sad about lack of intimacy, resenting her for that, anger at myself for not being able to make her happy, anger and hurt for my not being happy. Frustration with my own lack of drive or ambition…. Big issue…with her, inside of me.
Did I leave anything out? Do I feel like I just avoided dealing with any of this? Yes…. I am getting tired….you think????? 6 am…. Ok…. Be back later. I have enough to meditate on, yes?????
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.