A Good Book Review of “Option B”
There are a whole bunch of books on grief and grief process…. Also, the CEO of facebook lost her husband suddenly 2 years ago and wrote a book about it, title is Option B. Sheryl Sandberg . Look at this review of it…. https://qz.com/964570/review-sheryl-sandbergs-death-through-an-intimate-guide-to-grief/
The review itself is a good discussion of grief processing, and how traumatic events can have similar effects to experiencing death. I also found that a grief support group is a good thing in the beginning. It makes you realize that others are going through a similar nightmare, and you can share what you want to with others that “get it”, and will listen and support without offering advice unless you ask for it.
It can be difficult to listen to someone else’s pain, especially early on, as the water you are in is rough. It is noisy in the water when the water is choppy and you are hanging onto your life preserver for dear life.
The stages for grief are anything but linear. In the beginning, you can go from zero to sixty in a heartbeat, and then anywhere in between and bounce all over the place.
Many describe it as waves, and different people experience them in various ways…huge waves that knock you down and you can’t catch your breath, various sized waves coming at you with different intensity and different frequencies.
And the sudden onset of tears has been coined by some as “grief spasms”. I learned this in grief support group. The emotional waves tend to diminish over time, not as big nor as frequent, but again, this can vary. There are general patterns, with lots of deviations. Some are more intensely distraught, some will work through the process faster, some much slower, some won’t work through it but get stuck in it.
On some of the cancer blog sites, of those with pancreatic cancer it is usually a spouse that is posting. I think this has to do with those people not having the patience or energy to post. Em did not like to look on these sites. Did not want to see the future. Which was unfortunate because she would have made friends and a support group which she desperately needed…. Sooooo depressed. I did not go on social media here until she died. Then, it was support for ME.
Be prepared for people to say a variety of things to you. Some sit well, others do not. See article on link above which has a couple of good suggestions for things people say….. like “how are you” where better would be “how are you today” or someone asks ….how can I help?….which puts the burden on you to come up with something..as opposed to … “I will bring dinner to you on ____ night.” Things like that. Click on the link above, I think you will find the review interesting.
Neal Klein
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.